Mytahelka

Mirror

I can see the flowery pink curtains that cover the open window 
I can feel the wild wind enter the premises and promise, to break my favourite blue lamp. 
I can see the black guitar which I always thought was too big for my hands 
I can see the large poster of Messi that has loyally stayed stuck on my wall since I was 15 
I am standing in front of a mirror but I cannot see my own reflection for I do not know who I am, anymore.
Tiny braids in my long brown hair fly out the back window of the car
I wave at the passers-by and smile dreamily to behave like I am in a movie 
That day at age 6, I told my father that I wanted to be an actress. 
But when you are born with 3.5 kilograms of flesh and bone instead of 2 and a half the doctor sends you back home with a sticker that says This baby weight’s more than average When at life’s every stage you wage a war with the words-Plump, Chubby, and even Cute Noone has to humiliate you. You, already know.
No one told me that I would not become an actress because no one knew that I wanted to. No one told me that I would or would not lose any weight because no one knew that I wanted to. 

And so one night, standing in front of the very same mirror, with skin that screamed I want to be on the big screen! Little, by little…I ripped it apart until the layer that wanted to act fell out..and was flushed down the drain.
I was 12 years old when I said I wanted to change the world. 
But someone told me that the world was too large and I was too little.
When I said I was one in a million, I was told that the world population count goes into billions.
And I, I didn’t fight I just went and proved them right, because that night, I cried. Until my second layer, was shred into pieces. 
It’s funny how you can lose so many layers and still not lose any weight. 
When I wanted to sing and dance and see the world, I was pushed into a college that only taught you how to make money and instead of using this opportunity to do both, I shed Layer by layer, I shed it all until I had no plans, no hopes no dreams, no desire to collect some gold or to grow old or to do anything at all. I shed everything, in the name of being a strong girl.Even my tears, that were only trying to tell me the truth. Until one day opportunity knocked on my door It waited, and waited. It banged loud and clear but in all the shedding, I had no hands left to answer its call.I had no voice to tell it that I had been waiting for it all my life.
Hell! I didn’t even have any ears, to listen and to know that it was there.
A human mind is a funny place, it will continue in a cycle until you tell it that the path to growth is not roundIt is to be found by moving forward By moving out of your comfort zone of Life has made this difficult for me and hence I’m not going to do it.
I have come to believe that self-victimization is a drug.
Your mind lures you into giving up everything and then makes you believe that you had nothingYour constant cries of Why me?! sound like music to your brain. 
But they’re not. They’re cries of you locked up behind walls of how fate treated you wrong I was locked up behind bars of why destiny chose only meto take through a path full of thorns, not realizing that the only person who held the key to that door, was me.
No one can hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself.I was never bullied or tortured for being a plump kid.I was punished by me, myself. 
I started excusing myself from everything I wanted to do by telling me that life had made the environment hostile That it was testing me, that it was playing games with me, that I was its favourite experiment.
Until I realized that victimizing myself was like being a car driven by someone else with just the brakes on Except that there is no other driver It is just you and the road and you can choose to keep moving forward or to keep taking U-turns, it is your choice. 
I stand in front of the very same mirror in search for my own reflection I see nothing. 
Because even though I’ve realised it I do not want to patch the old layers back onto my body because I want to keep moving forward.I stand in front of the very same mirror in search for my own reflection, I see nothing.Nothing to go back to, nothing to crib about Nothing to blame life for.
I stand in front of the very same mirror and I search for my own reflection I, see nothing.Because it is not a mirror anymore It is the only piece of shattered glass in the world that screams of happiness. Because it knows that a little girl broke it to step out of her minds cage, to spread her wings, and to fly.